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Apparently we'll never grow out of twank.
The sect of fandom that focuses intently on Rob and Kristen and their relationship status is new and scary to us, so this is probably going to read like Miner’s “Body Ritual among the Nacirema.” Or Diana Gabaldon’s attempt last year to describe this phenomenon known as “fan-fic” with its alien creatures who “post” their “fan-fics” on “on-line” “fan-fiction” “archives.”
As we understand it, “Robstens” are those who believe Rob and Kristen are together, and more importantly, that they should be together. We think it’s a requirement that they be very active in spreading the word; if you casually consider the two an item only when you happen to think about it, you’re just a RINO (Robsten In Name Only).
“Nonstens” appear to be those who think Rob and Kristen are not dating. We don’t know whether this includes individuals who just don’t care, or if being part of the group means you have a recruitment quota or something. It might be like the Gazebo, where to prove you don’t care you have to talk about it all the time and run two communities and seventeen sock accounts just in case people doubt your apathy.
…But we digress. We’ve seen claims that Nonstens are a peace-loving people who do not attack or malign enemy tribes. Other sources paint them as delusional middle-aged women who vehemently deny the Krist because, in their own minds, Rob would date them if he were free of the false idol.
We also found two minority groups called “PRsten,” who claim the two are pretending to be together to promote BD, and what itisbecauseiam has christened “whateverthefucksten.” That one sounds self-explanatory.
Finally, we have “Krisbians,” an appellation formed by the hybridizing of “Kristen” and “lesbian.” Basically, straight women who would make an exception for Kristen. Or something. We think you can be a Krisbian and a Sten. But if you’re waiting for KStew to change sides, you’re probably mad at Rob for potentially distracting her, so we’re thinking most Krisbians are Nonstens. Whatevs.
Anyway, apparently there’s this holy war being waged by the Holy Robsten Empire against the Nonstens of the Middle Ground.
We think Rob and Kristen are supposed to be Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Now, we all know from the esteemed historian Dan Brown that the Holy Grail was actually a series of royal vaginas, beginning with Mary Magdalene’s, and the Robstens seem to have formed a sort of modern-day Knights Templar who want that vagina kept where it should be, namely in the service of the Meyerwhingian plotline.
So the question is, when someone, let’s call her…oh, how about Anastasia?…blasphemes against the Holy Vag or utters heresy about Ye Olde Blade ‘n’ Chalice, how do we convert her from her Nonsten faith to Krisbianity? Well, this might work:
But you know, the internet is a big place. It’s different now that everyone isn’t in the same family village, and even with Twitter and Facebook, it’s so hard to get a good mob together these days.
So, what to do? Look, this is a holy war. The stakes don’t get any higher. You want justice? First you stalk “Anastasia’s” Twitter feed until the heretic drops enough tidbits about her life to help you locate her Facebook. Then you stalk the Facebook until you figure out where she works. Finally, you email the heretic’s employer and tell them she’s been using the net on company time. You are a disciple of Krist. Don’t be so fucking lazy.
This is the email “Anastasia’s” employer received as posted on itisbecauseiam’s tumblr:
“Did you know that your receptionist, ___________, is so obsessed with an actor by the name of Robert Pattinson that she spend the majority of her workday posting to an online community dedicated to hating his girlfriend as well asp osting on her Twitter to complain about her job? Most of her Tweets are about Robert Pattinson, her hatred of Kristen Stewart, planning her April trip to NYC to stalk Robert Pattinson, or complaining about her job – and at least half of them are done during time you are paying her to work.”
You could just post her home address in its entirety on the “Awful Truth” message boards at E! Online and command all Robstens to stone her, but that was already done to someone a while back and still the Nonstens live and breed. Time to up the ante.
From what we’ve seen, “Anastasia” made less noise about literally having her job threatened than a BNF usually makes about a bad review. It’s like Newton’s 2nd law all backwards, where the larger mass m (the BNF) attains more acceleration (a) than a smaller mass (a non-BNF) after less force F is applied against her.
|F = ma||(1/2)F = m(1/a)|
Or something. Physics is about as clear to us as the Houses of Sten. We made a chart just in case:
For further reading, we recommend the ADF campfire on Summit’s lawsuit against DelaneyG84 or this post from the original Twankhard, as well as many of the posts on itisbecauseiam’s tumblr. Anthropologically speaking, the Stens are a fascinating bunch.