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Apparently we'll never grow out of twank.
So. It didn’t look like we were going to twank Daddy’s Little Cannibal, for a couple of reasons. Namely, as Cheesemonger #1 said, That fucking [redacted] spit on the memory of everyone who ever lost a loved one. NFW are we going to give her more attention.
And since there wasn’t any doubt left that she’d faked it, her coming back with this ridiculous Heidipology two years later wasn’t news to anyone.
Finally, even Cheesemonger the Elder thought her importance was being exaggerated. (Mostly by DLC herself.) I never even heard of her until she was on Fandom Wank for committing pseuicide. And I just looked at one of her stories and it’s a mess.
Your point, Yoda?
Her profile update is, however, a gold mine of entitlement. You’d almost think she’d compiled all the self-important memes from all the biggest egos in fandom and put them together for lulz.
So, what the hell. For anyone who was confused by her Final Goodbye, we’ve provided a summary with accompanying translation below. And if you don’t belong to the gazebo and are feeling stifled by the sudden resurgence of “no personal attacks” at ADF, wank all you want in the comments.
1. I was tired of writing for fanfiction, I wanted to work on my own characters (which, I have sold several stories since I’ve left here and currently in the process of working on my novel, yea, I’m a real author now who has work published and gets paid for it)
Translation: “I have some short stories and poems published in magazines you never heard of even though I can’t write two sentences without some obvious error. I am the teacher and you are the students.”
2. And I may not have deserved it, but I earned it. I earned it because I have potential, because I have a passion and a talent for writing and people can see that when I write.
3. You made me one of the most popular fan fiction authors, ever and you let me try so many new things with my writing and you never stopped cheering me on.
(Except when they were sending her death threats, of course). Translation: “I got lots of reviews to “OMG RITE MOAR” and all my friends said I was the best writer they ever knew. So did my mom before she died. (My mom dying is the reason I acted like a douche btw. Plus it was two years ago and I was young then. I’m an adult now.) Tell everyone I’m the most popular fanfic author ever, in case they didn’t know.”
4. I deleted the e-mail to my account, this is the first time I’ve even logged on fanfiction since it happened, I haven’t even read any of the reviews after it happened…I’m an adult now. I’m 20, going to school, going to work, chilling with my friends, dropping acid and eating shrooms, smoking pot, and living my life the way I want it without fan fiction…With all of this said, I ask that you guys leave me the fuck alone!…I’m a good person. I’ve grown up so much these past two years and I’ve grown up as a writer…Please, don’t get me wrong, I loved this experience, but I’ve moved on. This is my final goodbye.
Translation: “I can’t even explain to you in words (because I have such writing potential) how much I don’t care, but since I’m waiting
on a monster upload for my dealer to show up since I’M AN ADULT, I think I’ll just post this 994-word update (997 if you count signing my name at the end; now count them again like a good little freakshow) to my profile that you can’t reply to because I know I won’t be able to keep up with the comments that’ll drive you batshit. I’m doing this just to show you how much I’ve moved on. I. Have. Moved. On. See how much I’ve moved on? I apologize for everything I did, except not really because you all deserved it and I’m a good person (like I give to charity and stuff). Them Now go fuck yourselves.”
5. Keep an ear and eye out for me because I’m out there in the writing world. I really am. You will hear my name again, it may not be Daddy’s Little Cannibal, but you will hear of me again, I promise.
Translation: “You’ll see. You’ll all see.”