twankharder

Apparently we'll never grow out of twank.

Monthly Archives: March 2011

Sometimes they come back

We’re just going to post a summary for those who don’t visit the gazebo or fandom_wank. After plowing through all that shite, we figured it’d be too soon if we never heard about AG again.

AG wrote a dissertation on how she posted those chats from Icy because she was planning to flounce anyway. Something about not wanting to be part of a fandom where people like Icy reign. Because we all know Icy is the absolute worst thing that ever happened to fandom, or ever could happen. But it’s okay because she doesn’t care! Don’t you feel stupid? This whole time, she never cared!

She claims someone used the info Jennday posted at the gazebo (a screenshot of her LinkedIn profile, in a post which LJ Abuse has since deleted) to track her down at work. It could be true; it’s happened before. Then again, people have lied about it before, too.

The gazebo jeered at the ‘tation, natch. It’s actually tamer than we expected, but of course certain people are conspicuously absent.

Fandom_wank even posted about it. They usually don’t bother with us; we think there’s a rule about linking to locked comms, and since our fandom does almost everything under lock and key…

Anyone read Sarah Palin’s books? Basically, “I love America, but it wasn’t ready for me, so I’ll let everyone worship their false idol until I am risen in 2012. Meanwhile, I’ll admit to a few lesser evils here and there so you’ll believe me when I turn around and settle all my scores. But if you don’t want me, that’s your loss. I don’t care.”

Replace “America” with “fandom” and “2012” with “a new fandom” and you’ve pretty much summarized this dissertation.

So until next flounce, friends
Same Batshit time, same Batshit channel
Good night, everyone
Your hosts for the evening,
Twankharder!

Copyrights and patents and trademarks, oh my!

We’re a few days late on this one. It was the weekend, okay? Kids to entertain, houses to clean. Moms’ work is never done.

Speaking of moms, TwilightMOMS (they have a website and they sell Twilight-inspired stuff?) had themselves a spectacular tantrum on Twitter this Thursday. Someone was trying to make money off their good name!!!1!

The alleged perpetrator, “Twilight Moms Club: TWI-MOMS,” has been on Facebook since June of last year. Their plot outline on Facebook reads:

“THIS GROUP IS ALL ABOUT THE TWILIGHT SAGA! WE ARE HERE TO HAVE FUN, MEET OTHER MOMS, AND FORM FRIENDSHIPS, ALL WHILE DISCUSSING OUR FAVORITE CULLEN OR TWILIGHT CHARACTER. IN THIS GROUP WE WILL ALSO PASS ALONG ANY MOMMY RELATED THINGS!”

For several months, they were on Twitter as @Twilight_Moms. The TwilightMOMS website, however, used the Twitter name @TwilightMOMS, so you already know this is going to end in tears. Because of @TwilightMOMS’ tantrum, @Twilight_Moms has since changed their Twitter to @Twimoms_Club.

It might help you keep things straight if you remember TwilightMOMS as the one YELLING.

It was all well and good when the new group, @Twilight_Moms, just wanted to hang around and talk about Twilight, but then they decided to go for the big bucks, namely selling T-shirts for Child Abuse Prevention Month. Because there could be no reason for using “moms” in a fundraiser about child abuse prevention other than to capitalise on TwilightMOMS’ fame, right?

@Twilight_Lexicon, who had never previously taken notice of @Twilight_Moms despite all the retweets the _Moms gave them this last month (which was as far back as we went), immediately sent up an emergency flare to the FOR REALZ @TwilightMOMS. Then proceeded to bloviate on the subject for the next 10 tweets:

Sorry. 😦 We told you we were fat lazy moos.

…Oh, you meant the _Moms. Erm…right. Carry on.

I’d be majorly POed if someone tried to start a twitter called @twilight_lexicon no matter what their reason.

It’s not fair to the originating group, the work they put in to start their organization, and the image they want to support.

Kudos to original @TwilightMOMS (whose name I believe is trademarked so copycats beware!) No matter what the cause name imitation not cool

I’ve seen at least three groups in the last 30 days try to claim they are some version of @TwilightMOMS.

I applaude raising money for charity, but not using a variation on someone else’s well known name to do it.

@StephZarecki Beauty of trademark is that it covers things like this. i can just file a TOS violation if it ever happens

To clarify @TwilightMOMS is the legit group we’ve known for years, anything else is NOT the same group, and is NOT connected in any way

Anything being retweeted w/ a highly similar name is not THE @twilightmoms , ripping off their name no matter how worthy your cause not cool

@TwilightMOMS No problem. i didn’t want to overstep but when I realized you guys hadn’t been on for hours saw the misunderstanding

~~~

@elikarae said it best:

It’s funny how TwiLex had just tweeted about Bath & Body Works being threatened by Summit over the “Twilight Woods” fragrance, because Twilight Woods™ is trademarked also, yet Summit claims they’re trying to capitalize on Twilight by “rip[ping] off the design and color palate of “Twilight” promo materials.”

Design and color palate

TwilightMOMS claims their name is trademarked. We can’t find that specific name on TESS (doesn’t mean it isn’t out there, but it made us giggle anyway), but an owner search on the company Twilight Moms LLC brings up two Twilight MOM trademarks for clothing and jewelry and one for “Team Alice.” So tread carefully or you might get sued by the rightful owner. Which is not Summit.

Anyway, TwilightMOMS was on a field trip with her daughter’s class (thanks for telling us), but when she got home, the tantrum commenced:

IKR??? First someone else claiming to be a Twilight mom, then a tsunami the next day. It’s just one thing after another!!!

Today’s word is: INTEGRITY. Posers please take note and find the nearest dictionary. ~Lisa

@TwilightLexicon no, no overstepping! Much thanks! Twi-fansites got each others backs! You’re awesome!

Then there was this block of tweets from @Twilight_Moms (their name had already changed to @Twimoms_Club when we caught it) which is much easier to cap than link one by one, though remember this feed would have been interspersed with responses from @TwilightMOMS.

@TwilightMOMS’ responses:

@Twilight_Moms I’m sure you can understand the reason for confusion. I’d suggest a change of name.

@Twilight_Moms the feedback wouldn’t have been to continue soliciting $ from my already established name & business.

@Twilight_Moms Just do the right thing.

@Twilight_Moms If you really want ppl in the fandom to take u seriously you need to rebrand-ur gonna catch a lot more heat from them!

@Twilight_Moms “honest mistake” = previously emailing *TwilightMOMS* at our *TwilightMOMS* email address??? as u stated earlier? c’mon!

@GJTwiMom Using an obvious variation of an established organization’s name to solicit $ is dishonest & shady. Right & Wrong 101

Ahem…

AHEM…

It doesn’t matter if you have the best of intentions, if you’re under false pretenses how trustworthy can you be to begin with?

~~~

@Twilight_4u thought @TwilightMOMS was too high on herself and said so (again, block of tweets, bottom to top):

No good deed goes unpunished:

In summary, we have no idea what the fuck just happened. God closed his eyes and TwilightMOMS took over or something.

Krisbians and Liars

The sect of fandom that focuses intently on Rob and Kristen and their relationship status is new and scary to us, so this is probably going to read like Miner’s “Body Ritual among the Nacirema.” Or Diana Gabaldon’s attempt last year to describe this phenomenon known as “fan-fic” with its alien creatures who “post” their “fan-fics” on “on-line” “fan-fiction” “archives.”

As we understand it, “Robstens” are those who believe Rob and Kristen are together, and more importantly, that they should be together. We think it’s a requirement that they be very active in spreading the word; if you casually consider the two an item only when you happen to think about it, you’re just a RINO (Robsten In Name Only).

“Nonstens” appear to be those who think Rob and Kristen are not dating. We don’t know whether this includes individuals who just don’t care, or if being part of the group means you have a recruitment quota or something. It might be like the Gazebo, where to prove you don’t care you have to talk about it all the time and run two communities and seventeen sock accounts just in case people doubt your apathy.

…But we digress. We’ve seen claims that Nonstens are a peace-loving people who do not attack or malign enemy tribes. Other sources paint them as delusional middle-aged women who vehemently deny the Krist because, in their own minds, Rob would date them if he were free of the false idol.

We also found two minority groups called “PRsten,” who claim the two are pretending to be together to promote BD, and what itisbecauseiam has christened “whateverthefucksten.” That one sounds self-explanatory.

Finally, we have “Krisbians,” an appellation formed by the hybridizing of “Kristen” and “lesbian.” Basically, straight women who would make an exception for Kristen. Or something. We think you can be a Krisbian and a Sten. But if you’re waiting for KStew to change sides, you’re probably mad at Rob for potentially distracting her, so we’re thinking most Krisbians are Nonstens. Whatevs.

Anyway, apparently there’s this holy war being waged by the Holy Robsten Empire against the Nonstens of the Middle Ground.

We think Rob and Kristen are supposed to be Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Now, we all know from the esteemed historian Dan Brown that the Holy Grail was actually a series of royal vaginas, beginning with Mary Magdalene’s, and the Robstens seem to have formed a sort of modern-day Knights Templar who want that vagina kept where it should be, namely in the service of the Meyerwhingian plotline.

So the question is, when someone, let’s call her…oh, how about Anastasia?…blasphemes against the Holy Vag or utters heresy about Ye Olde Blade ‘n’ Chalice, how do we convert her from her Nonsten faith to Krisbianity? Well, this might work:

But you know, the internet is a big place. It’s different now that everyone isn’t in the same family village, and even with Twitter and Facebook, it’s so hard to get a good mob together these days.

So, what to do? Look, this is a holy war. The stakes don’t get any higher. You want justice? First you stalk “Anastasia’s” Twitter feed until the heretic drops enough tidbits about her life to help you locate her Facebook. Then you stalk the Facebook until you figure out where she works. Finally, you email the heretic’s employer and tell them she’s been using the net on company time. You are a disciple of Krist. Don’t be so fucking lazy.

This is the email “Anastasia’s” employer received as posted on itisbecauseiam’s tumblr:

“Did you know that your receptionist, ___________, is so obsessed with an actor by the name of Robert Pattinson that she spend the majority of her workday posting to an online community dedicated to hating his girlfriend as well asp osting on her Twitter to complain about her job? Most of her Tweets are about Robert Pattinson, her hatred of Kristen Stewart, planning her April trip to NYC to stalk Robert Pattinson, or complaining about her job – and at least half of them are done during time you are paying her to work.”

You could just post her home address in its entirety on the “Awful Truth” message boards at E! Online and command all Robstens to stone her, but that was already done to someone a while back and still the Nonstens live and breed. Time to up the ante.

From what we’ve seen, “Anastasia” made less noise about literally having her job threatened than a BNF usually makes about a bad review. It’s like Newton’s 2nd law all backwards, where the larger mass m (the BNF) attains more acceleration (a) than a smaller mass (a non-BNF) after less force F is applied against her.

Newton Fandom
F = ma (1/2)F = m(1/a)

Or something. Physics is about as clear to us as the Houses of Sten. We made a chart just in case:

For further reading, we recommend the ADF campfire on Summit’s lawsuit against DelaneyG84 or this post from the original Twankhard, as well as many of the posts on itisbecauseiam’s tumblr. Anthropologically speaking, the Stens are a fascinating bunch.

Christians and Liars

It’s here.

Beginning 4/28, proceed to TWCS in order to reserve your copy.

Official summary:

When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind – until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time.

The unworldly, innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her – but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive family – Grey is man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from public scrutiny.

Can their relationship transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds?

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

We are excite. Are you excite? Show us your excite faces.

Oh, the…angst?

Bonasera… Bonasera.

Oh, deer. AG Double-Oh-Three has deleted her Twitter. Now we have to go upload all our screencaps of her tweets and edit them into the last post. First world problems suck.

Why would she do this? Seems someone on the gazebo wanted to know where the original Twankhard went, and whether it was really AG. Jennday posted a whole lot of… Jesus, it’s all “I posted a link, and someone clicked it, and that someone’s IP was in a certain city and that’s where AG’s LinkedIn profile says she lives, and btw here’s the whole IP without any of the numbers blacked out AND THAT’S HOW I KNOW.”

We feel so lazy. All we did was compare the IP when Twankhard posted here once to one of AG’s from…erm, somewhere else. We are fat lazy moos.

Anyway, AG supposedly tweeted “Hey, thanks for posting my IP, RL name, address, and former employers on The Gazebo. That’s totally not crossing any lines. You won guise!” before flouncing Twitter. Derp…if you don’t want people knowing your name, probably best not to give interviews to msnbc.com or sit a ComicCon panel. Where was there an address? The only “former employer” we know of is Icy herself, whose privacy during a discussion about a service she was purchasing wasn’t exactly honoured.

Ugaiz, there’s like this line you just don’t cross. But it only goes one way.

Lesser…of two…evils…

For those who don’t know, after the news broke about MOTU, AngstGoddess tweeted several lines that she claimed were taken from gchats with Icy.

Okay, fandom. Ready? Lettuce play “Guess that chat log.”

“Well don’t tell anyone – I have visions of being interviewed by Time Magazine for revolutionizing publishing…”

“I have done it as a sort of exercise.. to see if I could … and I think I have proven that I can… I now want to capitalize on it…”

“I have to say I do not feel as passionately as you do about the fandom”

“it’s like the old groucho marx joke which I cant remember about not wanting to belong to a club that you’re a member of…”

even when you publish it on amazon, theres still gonna be negativity “true… but I’m sure it’s easier to take with a big fat paycheck LOL”

show them theres a person behind the penname and not just some lady sitting on a perch — “I like my perch…”

“I’m not sure I feel part of the community…”

“they’ve been able to read it in its entirety. And I even did the FGB thing.. which isn’t really for me cos I never, ever wanted to do [it]”

These are all quotes from two separate chats during April & July, with @Sqicedragon, during discussions about publishing motu.

So if you think she gives a crap about the very fandom that gave her popularity, I’m very sorry to say. You’ve been punked.

/blaze of glory. I’m out. Stop perpetuating arrogance. Give your kindness to people who won’t take advantage of it.

Icy responded that the tweets were taken out of context, and posted what she said was the full surrounding text on her website in order to provide that context. It’s since been taken down, but thanks to a nonnie, we have a copy for you.

Seems like a classic case of When elephants fight, only the grass suffers. What’s your opinion? Who’s the biggest loser here (besides us?)

Who’s sorry now?

Jeez, ugaiz.

Since all of us are usually busy as fuck on the weekends, we had just decided to stop posting then. All of a sudden things go splodey.

First off, we were wrong about Krismom, and for that we apologize profusely. It turns out that TVM having exactly the same text as Whatever Makes You Happy wasn’t because she had the book open in front of her; she has complete eidetic memory.

(Believe it or not, this by itself wouldn’t have gotten a post because…wait for it…the horse was dead. So we did not take a screenshot and are relying on what ja6108 copy-pasted on ADF, assuming it wasn’t altered.)

There aren’t enough apologies in the world. I left the PM’s on for a while so people could vent- but that got scary. Fast.

I have no explanation – other than to say it was not done on purpose. I didn’t cut and paste or have the books out in front of me- and have the keystroke count and typos to show for it.

It’s a weird ass memory thing. I have a f*ed up ability to recount large amounts of useless information. Kind of like a photographic memory- it’s considered eidetic memory and most people think it’s unfounded or Asperger’s-ish. It’s not impressive enough to matter- It’s not related to intelligence or even useful. It’s mostly dates, text and random information that scares and impresses people when googled. Although I did get to meet Marilu Henner once. 😉 Most people don’t buy it anyway- kind of like my kid with Sensory Processing Disorder. 😦

I had posted (notice I didn’t say written) half the story before I heard a review on NPR about the book Still Alice- and realized It was the same book/story I read a year ago and was currently posting. I don’t want to ruin an apology with an excuse- so I’ll just say that if I could give you all the time back that you invested reading, I would.

I am so very sorry- my plagiarism penalty was losing all of you. The talent, the stories, the Twitter banter- are all sorely missed. I should have stuck to reading and reviewing- which is what all of you wonderful writers deserve.”

Think about what you’d do if you had the ability to recall whole books absolutely word for word. You could enter any profession you wanted. Count cards and make millions. Or you could go balls to the wall and copy a novel and change the names so it’s a Twilight fanfic.

Since then, Krismom has regretted telling us the truth:

There aren’t enough apologies in the world. I left the PM’s on for a while so people could vent- but that got scary. Fast.

After emailing with an ADF friend today, I realized I shouldn’t have tried to explain myself. It’s all excuses anyway- and nothing ruins an apology like an excuse. The memory thing wasn’t bullshit- but make no mistake I *knew* I was doing it. I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. For this and so very many other things, I am truly sorry.

I apologized profusely and repeatedly to my beta’s. I’m not consciously trying to cut off from the fandom- I’m just to ashamed to speak. I deserve any and all outrage- and accept the consequences of my stupidity.

My plagiarism penalty was losing all of you. The talent, the stories, the Twitter banter- are all sorely missed. I should have stuck to reading and reviewing- which is what all of you wonderful woman deserve.

I’m not apologizing to gain entry back into the fandom. I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that for all the Edward in the world.

Again, I suck and I’m sorry. I would give you back the time you spent reading and investing in the story if I could.

Allow us to also apologize to Ninapolitan, because she was right. Instead of tossing around crap theories all the time, just ask the person if you want the truth about something. They’re not going to lie, ffs:

Now that you’re feeling bad about yourself because you can’t even remember your own phone number half the time, let us point out that people who volunteer or donate regularly are happier people. Better to give than to receive, yakety yak. With that in mind, please consider helping to send the beloved RoseArcadia to ComicCon! The A/N attached to the end of Jadalulu‘s Fold Your Wings tells you why:

*Peeks out at you from finger sluts…err…slits*

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. ‘Tis a cliffy. Feel free to flounce. I know how cruel they are. 🙂

*CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER* NOW…

We’re trying to get our girl RoseArcadia to Comic Con! She’s very shy about this subject and is prolly gonna string me up by mah butt cheeks for doing this-and for raving about her (she’s a rare form of modest), but it must be done. I’m not sure if you guys have had the pleasure of talking to her, but she is the epitome of what this fandom is about. She’s incredibly supportive and uplifting to countless authors. I know I can depend on her to give me an honest, straight forward opinion-sans any catty drama. And let’s be real. A RoseArcadia blinkie is right up there with a forehead kiss from Edward. I know I speak for more than just myself when I say that without her, the fandom wouldn’t be the same. I remember when I was strictly a reader with wistful fantasies about writing something of my own. When I finally worked up the nerve to post, Rose was the first person to embrace me. I cannot accurately describe to you the level of support she lends. Her faith in me isn’t repayable…BUT I’ll be damned if I don’t do my all to try.

Suzie55 and co. forced her to add a donate button to her blog. So, bbs, if you’re feeling so inclined…

http:/rosearcadia(dot)blogspot(dot)com/?zx=11b03b333d699aac.

And now…I run like hell and hide. She’s gonna kicketh my asseth.

Off in a dustcloud,

~jada~

Even SR is promoting this worthy cause along with his/her usual plugs for Alex’s Lemonade Stand etc:

This isn’t a charity, but an opportunity to show our appreciation to RoseArcadia, who has designed blinkies and banners for so many writers. Send her to Comic Con. Donate at: http://rosearcadia.blogspot.com

Girl has lots of friends in high places. We’re jealous. Two of us never heard of her until today, so this jealousy is particularly aggravating.

So, while we’re apologizing to everyone–krismom for not realizing she had “unfounded or Asperger’s-ish” total recall, Ninapolitan for posting theories without asking her first, and RoseArcadia for not knowing who she was until everyone started wanting to send her to ComicCon–let us not forget to apologize to Icy as well. Because just like this nonnie said, we’re just not creative enough to come up with a story like that and that’s why we thought it was a clusterfuck, not because it sucked or anything. We felt secure in our disdain because obviously if it were any good, Omnific would have snapped it up, right?

Right. Except it looks like TWCS beat them to it:

It’s so good already that they really don’t need to do much except print it out and glue it together. The first installment will be out at the end of May.

If you hurry up and apply for one of TWCS’s internships, you might get to witness the fascinating process firsthand.

And see? We thought we were too busy to twank on the weekends. But none of us has a publishing deal, so our attempt to look awesome failed. Damn Icy. She couldn’t do this on a Wednesday?

Laters, twanks.