twankharder

Apparently we'll never grow out of twank.

Our roller coaster ride is just beginning.

What would you personally consider success in fandom?

Lots of reviews? An award? Seeing your name in every love post?

…A printing publishing deal?

You pathetic underachiever.

If your ultimate goal isn’t to have a fanfic about you, Jennde, Icy, Morgan Locklear, and Ninapolitan posted on ff.net, then you’re obviously just treading water until your trust fund kicks in. You are dead weight, and are hereby voted off this island.

ETA: Link is no longer valid. See screencap here.

ETA II: Oh noes, we have a flounce!

Some highlights:

But alas, talent is a beast with it’s own set of parameters. It literally chooses you. Sebastien didn’t know it, but he had indeed been chosen.


I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN! FAREWELL, MY FRIENDS. I GO ON TO A BETTER PLACE.

He was a writer, so of course he wrote, and wrote, and wrote some more. Does a cow not produce milk? Does a duck not quack?

Does a bull not shit?

His editor Jennde was his most trusted friend, and the only one to see his masterpiece as it formed slowly over the months. Each successful posting, brought people by the millions out of the woodworks, leaving poor Sebastien to abuse his own lip with his awkwardly capped fangs, and made him wonder if perhaps he should have rethought his endeavor.

Too late. The barn door is open and the horses are dead. LET’S BEAT THEM!

He was becoming utterly-famous. He shuddered at the realization.

ZOMG! That’s how we reacted too!!11! *fangirl squees*

“He’s not taking it down!” Jennde told Icy, which turned the Icy lady cold with anger.

“Yes, he will. If you don’t…” she eyed Sebastien, as he held tight to the leather chair beneath him. “Then I turn her. Your choice.”

*instant crickets*

This trainwreck would not be complete without a cryptic, panty-drenching review from Morgan Locklear, in which one of us finally realizes that MOG does not in fact mean “Mother of God.”

We’re shaking in our skivvies as we wonder just what the evil puppetmaster has in mind…

If you came in here with even an ounce of self-esteem today, we sincerely hope it’s gone. Damn, just when you think you’ve made some headway along the Alpine Path, you look up from your well-written, cliché-free manuscript and realize that Sebastien Robichaud/Sylvain Reynard is already at the top.

Not that SR’s life is perfect, not by a long shot. If it were us, we’d want our hagiographies done by someone other than Miss RMD, who brought us the epic tale My Name Is Edward. At the very least, we’d hope for someone with a better grasp of mechanics so the tribute doesn’t read like a colossal clusterfuck. But hey, you get what you settle for in this world.

Nonnie, thank you. As much as we’d love to have called satire on this one…what the shiz. Either way, it was still funny.

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39 responses to “Our roller coaster ride is just beginning.

  1. Anonymous February 24, 2011 at 11:55 pm

    I think a piece of my soul has died here today.

  2. Twilight Slush February 25, 2011 at 12:08 am

    YESSSSSSSSSSS. Now this is what I’m talking about.

    And why the hell does she spell vampire “vampyre”. SERIOUSLY WHY?!

  3. Alby Mangroves February 25, 2011 at 12:18 am

    C’mon people! You know as well as I do that this is long overdue. We need fanfic about fanfic. I’m petitioning Ffn right now to add RBNAF as a category. I wonder if the vampyres in question are flattered or mortified?

    • Ralph S. Mouse February 26, 2011 at 4:35 pm

      I hope mortified. I do wonder how MOG heard about it so fast. The writer didn’t seem like she’d be on his alert list. Maybe she sent them all messages and told them about their “monument”.

  4. Alby Mangroves February 25, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Oh, and did you check out the author’s profile Twankharder? She is also writing original fiction. I’m glad they’re not limiting themselves to RBNAF.

  5. Is that cheese? February 25, 2011 at 3:20 am

    When all else fails, lower your expectations. Lower, lower, LOWER!

  6. Ellie February 25, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    “He was a writer, so of course he wrote, and wrote, and wrote some more.”

    Do you think if we asked nicely he’d stop?

  7. Annonymous February 25, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    What do you people get out of this? Does it fulfill some twisted deficiency in your soul to flame other people? Does it make YOU a better writer? Does it get you more friends? What sick satisfaction do you get from it?

    It’s true this piece isn’t a work of art, but so what?

    Moral of this story: If you have no talent of your own and can’t do something constructive with your life, create a mindless blog to trear down others. Brilliant. You must be so proud.

    • twankharder February 25, 2011 at 5:54 pm

      And it only took 2 weeks for someone to finally catch on…

    • Why is all the rum gone? February 25, 2011 at 6:04 pm

      What do you people get out of this? Does it fulfill some twisted deficiency in your soul to flame other people? Does it make YOU a better writer? Does it get you more friends? What sick satisfaction do you get from it?

      Ummmm all of the above? Obviously.

      In other news, I hear the Care Bear fandom is accepting applications.

    • Anonymous February 25, 2011 at 6:49 pm

      “It’s true this piece isn’t a work of art, but so what? ”

      You don’t get it. This is an RPF about a fanfic writer. It’s creepy enough when fans write RPF about Rob or Kristen, but they’re real celebrities. This is disturbing behavior to the extreme.

    • Ralph S. Mouse February 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Oh, I’m sure Twankharder is feeling so inferior to mediocre writers who have tributes written to them in mangled English.
      This blog alone has better writing than any of those that were in the fic. Get over yourself.

    • cheezit February 27, 2011 at 11:58 pm

      there’s always someone who suddenly wants to play nice once it’s their favorite author being razzed.

    • Fangirl Anonymous February 28, 2011 at 7:28 am

      So what you’re saying is that everyone here is just jealous? Where have I heard that before. Not everyone who gets criticized is a special misunderstood snowflake you know.

  8. Ellie February 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Ohhhh bugger it’s gone. I hadn’t even read it all!!!!

  9. Twilight Slush February 25, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    bwhahaha. love the flounce.

  10. Ralph S. Mouse February 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Holy shit, that was painful to read. It’s some consolation that the authors couldn’t have had any idea about this until it happened. But it still reflects on them that they have such completely crazy fans.

    And yes, my self esteem is completely gone now that I realize no one will ever write a fanfic about me.

  11. cheezit February 28, 2011 at 12:02 am

    if this chick was trying to make sr look good, FAIL. even if it was written better, it’s just ridiculous. sr = squally? erm…no.

  12. Fangirl Anonymous February 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    With Omnifuck so paranoid about their COPYRIGHTS of their ORIGINAL MASTERPIECES, wasn’t this woman afriad that they’d sue or something? Isn’t RPF not allowed, or just on Fanfiction? Either way, it shouldn’t have posted.

    My head can’t take it.

  13. FU February 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    *epic eyeroll* Hey, whatever gets you off…

  14. Fangirl Anonymous March 1, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Did you guys die?

  15. ikss March 4, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    I wish the comments had “Like” buttons.

  16. Why is all the rum gone? March 6, 2011 at 1:08 am

    where are y’all? you’re missing all the twank?

    krismom’s lame ass excuse then her “edit”

    MOTU pulled to publish?

  17. PaleMoons ( Yes please check me out on fandom) April 18, 2011 at 1:35 am

    Now I have to say that I did stalk SR for a while ( not that I’m proud of admiting it). And if I learn one thing it’s that he went to Harvard. Not that going to an Ivy Leauge means something. It’s not like they have Harvard only books. You can pick up a copy of the Divine Comedy, translated like a microwave ready meal, at your very own public libary. Heck you can even look on google books. I’m just saying mabye SR is genticly better than us. Sad to say this may be true. (Makes abused puppy face). Well we could all get published if we worked at it. Sadly he own professor.

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